Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Walk, Do Not Run, To the Nearest Exit.

Have you noticed that ever since 9-11, we lemming-like Americans are desperate for something to worry about? We worry about security, the housing market, Britney Spears and the weather. That doesn't mean we really take any action to make these things better, but we sure do a dandy job of being vexed about them.

The weatherman is a fine case in point. I suppose ever since Katrina and Rita we've been hyper-aware that Mother Nature can kick our collective keister whenever she so chooses. But instead of granting her the respect that such power deserves, we cower and fret. Evisceration of the weatherguys is one of the favorite sports played at Spooky R Ranch. Is it just me, or have weatherpeople technologized themselves into a completely fabricated psuedo-frenzy of anguish and apprehension over the slightest bobble in the jet stream? They weren't this bad before.

Yesterday the news broadcast dire diatribes about the Red Flag Warning. I had an 80's flashback and thought maybe the Soviets were attacking. It seemed a vague possibility, what with there being a new Rambo movie headed for theaters. Turns out I was wrong. Evidently the weather service has been issuing those warnings for decades whenever the humidity falls below parched and the winds rise above about 25 miles an hour. Which means we've lived under Red Flag Warnings for practically 2 days out of 3 for the entirity of my young life. We never worried about it before.

But now? Color us Concerned.


And what about security? I think I've mentioned before that we have a somewhat lackadasical attitude about security around here. Maybe we will regret that some day. Probably not, though. I'd much rather work in our current office environment than in one where we are hustling people through metal detectors and worrying about concealed weapons. As long as they stay concealed, I'm ok with 'em.

Last week Rose was in court waiting on a hearing with the Judge and the court reporter. For some reason, the reporter started asking Rose about how dangerous our job is.

"Don't you ever get scared of these people?" she asked. "'Cause some of them scare me just sitting in the courtroom with them."

"Well, sure, some of them are freaking crazy, but most of them are just stupid," Rose told her. "Besides, I make it real clear that if they go to prison, it was their fault, not mine. And only the Judge can revoke their probation." The Judge grinned at that.

"Y'all have panic buttons in your offices, right?" she asked.

Rose and the Judge both snickered at that. "Yeah, we have them, but I never remember where mine is," Rose said.

"You know what I think panic buttons are good for?" the Judge asked. "They're good for marking the spot where they need to draw the chalk outline."

"So, what security DO you have?" the reporter asked.

"Well, we're pretty loud. We're all screamers," Rose said solemly. (Many, many eyebrows disappeared up into hairlines at that, as she was telling us this story that afternoon in the Grand Ballroom.) "And we know about the zig zag run. That's pretty much it."

The reporter just looked confused and the Judge howled with laughter. The truth is, that pretty much is the extent of our security plan. When we hear yelling coming from someone's office, we tend to gather outside the door to eavesdrop and giggle. When it gets really heated, one of us will usually burst through the door and assist with throwing the poor sap out of the office. That's always fun! And in the 14 and a half years that I've been here, we've never had a sap that we couldn't escort off the premises. Maybe someday we will. Maybe we won't. Either way, it doesn't really matter.

What matters is that we aren't worried about it. Worry only gets in the way.


Presbyterian Gal said...

*wipin tears of laughter*
"zig zag run"......hahahahahaha!! Gonna teach my son that to help him get away from his evil teacher this year!

And I so hear you about the weather clones. drones. whatever they are now. I guess the red flag weather is supposed to distract us from being at def con 1 or level orange, or whatever the terrorist shtick was.

Zig zag run!! You guys know how to party for sure.

P M Prescott said...

What? A pragmatic attitude with a little fatalism thrown in for good measure. Don't let your politicians learn of it, they don't get elected if the sky isn't falling in every ten minutes.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

I just worry that we are going to bump into one another during the zip zag run and stop right there in our tracks.

LOL...tell them how you kicked in MY door last week and escorted the bandito right on out the door.

Stupid man *spits*

SpookyRach said...

He was a dud. I couldda took him in a fair fight. ha ha!

jonboy said...

I agree about the goofy weatherman and the stupid Red Flag warnings. I saw those pop up on TV the other day and had to ask my wife what the heck that was all about. She didn't know either.

Red flag my butt. Stupid heads!

annie said...

First of all, I am touched that you remembered to mention Rita. So many have forgotten the damage she wrought, damage that many are still working to repair. Thank you.

Our local weather man manages to stay pretty calm most of the time.

Sounds like y'all have the right amount of security for your office!

And look--someone from Eunice, Louisiana stopped by your blog! That's about 45 minutes away from me. (I like that live traffic feed thing. How long have you had it up?)

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! Love the image of you & Mindy zigzagging along!!
I have sadi a million times that in my next life I'm going to be a weatherperson - they are never right - and they still get to keep their jobs!! We had a slight chance of ice here two weeks ago & it was the biggest story on the 10 o'clock news - never happened...

Kathryn said...

Allow me to salute you - soooo refreshing to read this. I long to see the zig zag run, though. How threatening do I have to be to get a demo? ;-)

JenStar said...

We don't have a safety plan of attack. But then again I work with a bunch of engineers. Why do we need a flag warning? Why don't they just tell us never to go outside?

Anonymous said...

Our stupid little sawed off weatherman just get's himself all worked up and can't even get the words out most of the time.
They kept breaking in during American Idol to let us know it was STORMING. I'm pretty sure we all knew it was Storming, what with the lightening and the wind and the hail and the rain.

I would pay good money to see you and Mindy zig-zag into each other!
What is this about you had to help her out last week? Was someone picking on my girl??

SpookyRach said...

aw, hell, she really didn't need my help. I just hate to pass up an opportunity!