Thursday, September 06, 2007

Adventures in Waiting Roomland

I am bored spitless and about to pass out from inactivity. Finished my book, dammit. Nothing is worse than finishing the book hours before you are finished waiting. Wonder if the gift shop has any books that I could stomach?

And Mr. Couth the Caveman is grating on my last. fricken'. nerve.

Up until now I have been highly entertained by Mr. Couth the Caveman. He's loud. He's proud. And he's an idiot. His father is in ICU for some as-yet undiagnosed disease/infection. Mr. CtC and 12 to 57 of his immediate family members are here around the clock, taking turns infecting the ICU with red-necked germs. Right at the moment, there is a rousing roundtable discourse on the subject of who the hell thought it was a good idea to bring Daddy's glasses. There is the "it's good to be prepared/he might need them" camp versus the "what the hell is he gonna be reading/he ain't even conscious" camp.

Mr. CtC was wearing a faded read t-shirt emblazoned with a cartoon caveman when I saw him yesterday. It was highly fitting, I thought. While we, and several members of my parent's church, were here waiting on the surgery yesterday morning, a debate raged over what could be the cause of the patriarch's mysterious illness.

Jane, a nice, quiet, church lady who shares my love of one-liners and eavesdropping, and I were both almost injured by this debate. It seems we were both eavesdropping when someone mentioned something akin to Oedipus. Our eyes locked over the table and we tried not to gape open-mouthed at their group. See, Mr. CtC is one of those people who has had or knows all about any disease known to man or beast. I thought I would pass out from suppressed mirth when he said:

"Oedipus syndrome! Oh yeah, I had that once!"

I am not making this up, people. I swear to God his next statement was:

"It was such a violent case, the doctor's couldn't do a thing with me. Hell, I thought I'd never get over that. That Oedipus syndrome is some kind of bad, let me tell ya whut!"

I thought I was gonna hurt myself bad, trying not to roll on the floor. Jane seemed to be similarly affected.

This morning when we arrived, Mr. CtC was here again, sporting another faded red t-shirt, sans caveman. I side stepped him, no small feat requiring more walking than you might think, as I headed for the stairwell. I smiled as I went past. He needed no more encouragement and started speaking.

"Tired of waiting on these elevators are ya? Me too. They're too damn slow. They got six of 'em and only twos of 'em are workin', I tell ya whut." He was now following me down the stairwell. I was saved from replying by the ringing of his cell phone. He said:

(You know this isn't going to be good. Why are you still reading?)

(Look away, I tell ya! Look away!)

"Howdy! Yeah, he's doin' a little better this mornin'. He ain't ate nuthin' but he still managed to drop a deuce on 'em!"

Yup. How long did it take YOU to figure out what he meant by that?

This is why I'm in the waiting room. Thanks for all your prayers.


Mrs. M said...

I choked on my lunch I was laughing so hard. "Oedipus Syndrome," indeed!

Why is it that there seems to be an inverse relationship between intelligence and volume?!

Rev Kim said...

When my mom was in ICU, those long hours in the waiting room were excruciating. I'm glad that you have Jackson and your daughter to take care of you. We're praying for you and your family.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

*blink blink* I am offended...I think.

PLEASE USE YOUR CAMERA PHONE!!!! For the love of GOD please!!!!

Kathryn said...

I'm kind of grateful to Mr C for providing a little diversion for you...Thinking of you, and sending prayers up for your family xx

Ester said...

If Freud was alive....he would be very interested in Mr. C.

Please do use the camera phone!

Rachel said...

I am embarrassed to say that it took me less than 3 seconds to figure out what he meant.

On a more serious note: You are in my prayers.

cheesehead said...

Ah yes, the old dropping of the "deuce". That grand ICU tradition.

(((((Rach's mom and dad)))))

ppb said...

Oh, Rache, I'm sorry about your dad (and mom). But heck, that waiting room show is better than reality TV.

Mary Beth said...

Praying for all y'all.

Mr. C. too. Not saying what the prayer is.

Quotidian Grace said...

I'm praying for all of you. And I love your waiting room report--you haven't lost your caustic wit in the midst of the stress. Bravo.

Dijea said...

I would probably have wet my pants with the Oedipus comment.

I've been there with my dad too, I wish you peace of mind. Your family is in my prayers. God Bless.

Presbyterian Gal said...

Well I'm sittin' here laughin' at the CtC story. Especially the Oedipus business (remember the Benny Hill joke with him, dressed as a child riding with the Mrs. Robinson like woman saying, "Why no, I really rather fancy cats" ? )

Then I look up why you're in the ICU.

Oh Girl, so many prayers going up for you and your family. I've been there. More than once. Thank the good Lord that you have a brother and family and church friends with you. As well as your brilliant sense of humor.

God bless you.

Miss Kitty said...

You & your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Spooky.

Oedipus Syndrome, eh? LOL!

Jan said...


Prayers surrounding you all.

Baby Gator said...

Oh wow...i don't even know what to say. I think I am speechless.

Anonymous said...

love it. i just got a book you need...White Trash Etiquette. Need me 2 run it on over two ya?


and we are praying...

Songbird said...

I'm laughing and praying, too.

Janie said...

Oh, my gosh - only you, Rach, could make such a hard time so funny. I commend you for keeping your sense of humor!

BTW, Praying for all of y'all and your mom and dad. Let us know how it goes!

zorra said...

Oh, Lord. Too much...I wonder what he really meant when he was saying Oedipus syndrome?

I'm praying for all of y'all, too.

Cathy said...

That Oedipus syndrome....that was TOO FUNNY!!! --

I think camera phone action is in order.

Unfortunately the last sentence "figgering" too no time. We have more than our fair share of Mr. CtC's around here.