Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Malicious Blasphemy of the Lowest Order

The 412th sign of the apocalypse occurs this weekend.



Of course you know what that is - the release of the Underdog movie.



Yes, this loathsome bit of celluloid trumpery is being "unleashed" on an otherwise unsuspecting public. If Walt Disney weren't already dead, I would so have his head for this. Why? WHY??



Because there are some things in life that you just shouldn't mess with. Things like the formula for Coke, Jackson's rib recipe, and rattlesnakes, for example. Underdog is one of those things. How did they mess with it, you may ask?



1. Underdog is a cartoon. He is not a live action mutt. He doesn't live in the real world. Get it? He is not a REAL DOG, people! That's just silly.

2. No one is surprised that Underdog can talk. Because it's a cartoon. They are anthropomorphic talking animals. No one is surprised by this.



3. There are no real people in Underdog's world. Just a few troglodytes like Simon Bar Sinister and the like. There are NO irritatingly plucky 12 year old boys. No, not one!



4. Polly Purebread is not some dippy cocker spaniel. Please! That is like casting Jessica Simpson to play Lois Lane. It's just stupid.



5. Underdog is not a dog with a hip attitude. Underdog is anti-hip. He's not smart. He's not resourceful. His clothes don't even fit him right. Hence the name, ya jerks!



6. Underdog is not some sad-ass family pet. Please! He's a mild-mannered shoeshine boy, on the lookout for danger and assorted villainy. He is not supposed to bring you your paper or fetch some poorly thrown stick. He is supposed to remain ever vigilant at his shoe shine stand, ready to do battle against the forces of evil and bad sportsmanship. He fights for truth and justice and the purity of Polly Purebred. Fetch yer own damn slippers, people!



7. And the song? Don't even get me started on what you've done to that song. It's just too embarrassing. I got no problem with covers of the song. The Butthole Surfers did a rather respectable version of it in the late 90's. It was different, but good. Too bad the same can't be said for your lame-o version.

So, even if you are unable to resist the urge to make a total cinematic fool of yourself and peddle a rotten live action version of a cartoon classic, at least watch the cartoon first. Seriously, it only takes like half an hour. Didn't you have the time to spare? Had you done that, you would've realized that Underdog isn't edgy or cool. He's Bob Newhart, not Ben Stiler.

Geeze!

20 comments:

cheesehead said...

But seriously, Rach, how do you really feel?

You know what I love about you? You can write a post like this about Under Dog. And it totally rocks.

SpookyRach said...

Thanks, Cheese!

(In case you missed it, I think this movie will suck. Yeah.)

hahahaha!

Dijea said...

Amen! The Hollywood gene pool is seriously inbred, if the only ideas they have is to recycle old cartoons.

Jeff said...

Right on, Spookyrach! The first trailer I saw, was early in July ..... and I HATED what they had done with something that had been a favorite of mine when I was younger ..... and it's still a favorite!

A lot of billboards in Dallas-Fort Worth this week, advertising this movie, and hammering-home what they probably think will be a catchy phrase, "One Nation Under Dog" ..... oh, puh-leeze!

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

And you are STILL this upset about it? People this has been going on for weeks!

Really, you should walk up to her and ask her...this is like 1/4 of how she really feels.

So are you not going to see it? *snorts*

Presbyterian Gal said...

One would have presumed that Jason Lee would have achieved a certain level of success and recognition from "My Name is Earl" to be able to eschew such base and demeaning work. Apparently not.

The movie will most certainly and deservedly tank. Even though my own son *gasp* has insisted that we go see it. I am prepacking vomit bags in my purse.

Anonymous said...

What if they did Hong Kong Phooey?

reverendmother said...

I just got caught up with your blog. You rock.

I love the obscene phone call post down the page aways. I thought you'd miss a comment there so I'm saying it here.

SpookyRach said...

OH MY GOSH, ANONYMOUS!!! That is exactly what Jackson said one of the 40 or 50 times I've ranted about this to him. They wouldn't DARE to touch Hong Kong Phooey, would they???

Could the Blue Falcon be far behind?


RM - Thanks! You rock too!

PG - You are going to expose him to the REAL thing at some point, aren't you? Wonderboy will no doubt appreciate the difference.

MINDY - Heh. Uh, yeah. I'm still a little bugged by the whole thing. Heh.

JEFF - Oh, lord. That's just...awful.

DEIJA - Yep. Inbred is just the right word.

Trace said...

Oh my gosh! Is nothing sacred anymore? What next do we have to fear....

Janie said...

I think I'm gonna miss it...on purpose. Unless my little brother makes me...

BTW, you've been tagged, Texas girl. Go to my blog to check it out...

Tom said...

You should pick up the original series on DVD. It is available from www.underdogshow.com.

P M Prescott said...

Hey, no Wally Cox -- no Underdog!
What next messing up Top Cat or Yogi Bear? You'd think they learned their lesson from the crap they made out of Dudley Dooright and George of the Jungle.

Patti said...

Yuck, yuck, yuck. We are going to see Bourne, a REAL chick movie, as far as I'm concerned.

Sue said...

Preach it Sistah!!!! I will not go and see this movie. You're right. Some things you just don't mess with.

little david said...

Well, you seem to have hit on the majority opinion, Rachel. What's up with that?

SpookyRach said...

David: Kinda freaky, huh?

Miss Kitty said...

YESSSS!!!!!

You summed up perfectly in this post all that is wrong with that insipid movie. Bravo!

The Unstable Blogger said...

just ran across your blog...good stuff...and then I found this lil gem... OMG f'ing brilliant. It is not every day that I'd actually read an 'Underdog' rant and love it!

Nice. You spew forth venom like a pro... *tearing up* I am so impressed! LOL

Cynthia said...

I was incensed, too. I railed at this while driving with my husband on the way to school. I am so glad someone agreed and had the time to blog it.