The 412th sign of the apocalypse occurs this weekend.
Of course you know what that is - the release of the Underdog movie.
Yes, this loathsome bit of celluloid trumpery is being "unleashed" on an otherwise unsuspecting public. If Walt Disney weren't already dead, I would so have his head for this. Why? WHY??
Because there are some things in life that you just shouldn't mess with. Things like the formula for Coke, Jackson's rib recipe, and rattlesnakes, for example. Underdog is one of those things. How did they mess with it, you may ask?
1. Underdog is a cartoon. He is not a live action mutt. He doesn't live in the real world. Get it? He is not a REAL DOG, people! That's just silly.
2. No one is surprised that Underdog can talk. Because it's a cartoon. They are anthropomorphic talking animals. No one is surprised by this.
3. There are no real people in Underdog's world. Just a few troglodytes like Simon Bar Sinister and the like. There are NO irritatingly plucky 12 year old boys. No, not one!
4. Polly Purebread is not some dippy cocker spaniel. Please! That is like casting Jessica Simpson to play Lois Lane. It's just stupid.
5. Underdog is not a dog with a hip attitude. Underdog is anti-hip. He's not smart. He's not resourceful. His clothes don't even fit him right. Hence the name, ya jerks!
6. Underdog is not some sad-ass family pet. Please! He's a mild-mannered shoeshine boy, on the lookout for danger and assorted villainy. He is not supposed to bring you your paper or fetch some poorly thrown stick. He is supposed to remain ever vigilant at his shoe shine stand, ready to do battle against the forces of evil and bad sportsmanship. He fights for truth and justice and the purity of Polly Purebred. Fetch yer own damn slippers, people!
7. And the song? Don't even get me started on what you've done to that song. It's just too embarrassing. I got no problem with covers of the song. The Butthole Surfers did a rather respectable version of it in the late 90's. It was different, but good. Too bad the same can't be said for your lame-o version.
So, even if you are unable to resist the urge to make a total cinematic fool of yourself and peddle a rotten live action version of a cartoon classic, at least watch the cartoon first. Seriously, it only takes like half an hour. Didn't you have the time to spare? Had you done that, you would've realized that Underdog isn't edgy or cool. He's Bob Newhart, not Ben Stiler.