Sacriligious: adjective; grossly irreverent toward the sacred

Mindy and I have a fairly good retirement program through the state, but if we plan to retire early, we will need to move into some kind of a second career. After watching religious broadcasting for lo these many years, we have decided that we are totally cut out to run our own church. Further research has convinced us that rather than pick a currently established McFaith, we should start our own religion. The following is a list of the tenets of our religion, to date:

The Church of the Firstborn of the Holy Flaming Fedora

Church leaders will wear robes and sometimes capes. Capes may be substituted for robes if desired. The idea is to wear something that flows out behind you in a Supermanish manner as you stride purposefully about the church. Or the library. Or Wal-Mart.

We shall revert back to the original plan for communion. No more crackers and grape juice. We’re gonna eat good – chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, hot rolls, salad and chocolate cake.

Fasting is not encouraged and may be ridiculed. If you feel the need to abstain from something, stop watching the news for a while.

No Name-It-and-Claim-It bullshit.

No magic miracle-cure bullshit. Fairy tale-type magic is considered highly desirable, but shall be plainly labeled as magic. Faith healing and seed giving shall be plainly labeled as excrement and will be scoffed. Vociferously.

Toenails must be painted as a gerneral rule, since most church members will be wearing bling-encrusted flip flops or sandals. Pedicures for all on Maundy Thursday.

The cast and crew of What Not to Wear are officially excommunicated and banned from communion.

No binding or constrictive undergarments.

Church service will be on Friday nights, right before suppertime, so as not to muck up a prime chunk of the weekend.

All church holidays will fall on Mondays.

OPI nail polish and comic books will be donated to the less fortunate on a regular basis.

We firmly eschew all record keeping in favor of frequent business meeting updates on the latest and greatest thrift store finds.

Edward Gorey is our patron saint.

The photo directory will be done by Glamour Shots. Costumes will be encouraged. Creepy corpse-like Olan Mills Family Photos will be banned.

Mindy will be allowed to sing choruses as long as spookyrach is allowed to make faces and armpit music during singing of same.

Members will be encouraged to carry swords. Wands may be substituted.

VBS is strictly outlawed. An Adults-Only Craft Night will be considered as a replacement. Childcare not provided.

Church leadership will have veto authority as regards any unruly children. If your child is deemed an annoyance, you must make alternate provisions for the future of its immortal soul and not bring the little snot-monkey within 200 yards of any church function. Please note: Your Little Entitlement Twits Do Not Impress Us.

No committees will be permitted. If something needs doing, do it. If no one does it, it wasn’t really that important anyway. Ask for help if you need it.

No mid-week service. If you can’t keep the faith for an entire week without a booster shot, then you’ve got more problems than can be cured by a Wednesday night service. If, however, y’all want to meet up at a good restaurant and eat dinner together sometime during the week, then that’s all good.

spookyrach will provide a weekly rant and rave session at each service. (We will have to recruit someone to perform actual meaningful teaching. Perhaps little david will apply.) Mindy will be in charge of the music, even though spookyrach is highly suspicious that this will make for a touchy-feely service. ~gives Mindy the evil eye~

All official church documents shall be produced with Sharpies. Scratch-outs permitted. No Smileys. No LOL.

The church will not have a marquee. The temptation to crumminess is often too great to resist. If thy sign offends thee, pluck it out.

Evangelistic revivals are allowed, but only during only during the week following the first freeze, when a plethora of otherwise unusable tomatoes are available. There will be a celebratory bar-be-que following the revival in any year in which the traveling evangelist and/or musician retires from active ministry following the CFHFF revival.

Church leadership will reference the book of Leviticus frequently. This allows the leadership to basically rewrite the book as suits their purpose, as long as it is used for good and not for evil. It’s not like anybody was reading that book anyway. For example: “And the anti-Christ shall rise in the East of the State, somewhere in the vicinity of Houston, and he shall be called Joel Osteen.” Lev. 21:13. Stuff like that.

As soon as we can secure a meeting place, we'll let you know. In the meantime, we'll be shopping for capes and wands. And maybe hats...