Thursday, April 10, 2008

Friday Cemetery Blogging

This blog needs more religion, so I've decided to print a bible story for your perusal this week. Today's text comes from the 31st chapter of Leviticus, verses 5 through 18:

5 Now Lott, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. 6 But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. 7 And quarreling arose between Abram's herdsmen and the herdsmen of Lott. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time.
8 So Abram said to Lott, "Let's not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Let's part company and be fair about how we split up and subdivide the lands."
10 Lott looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, toward Zoar. (This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) 11 So Lott chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men quarreled violently over the division of the plains. Abram said to Lott, "For thou art not a fair minded man and the heavens will not bless you if you take all the first fruits of the land for yourself, leaving only the crappy parts for my wives and herds."

12 Yet, Lott remained unswayed by the argument of Abram and did make grievously rude gestures unto his uncle And Abram was angry and did speak harshly unto his nephew.
13 Now the herdsmen of Lott were wicked and were sinning greatly against the LORD.
14 The LORD said to Abram after Lot had dissed him a second time, "Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. 15 While you are distracting Lott thusly, take the Sword of Divine Vengeance from the Sheath of Stealthiness and smite Lott and his herdsmen and his sniveling children. But spare you the oxen and the bunnies and the dog.

16 I will make your strong right arm like the fist of a mighty giant, so that if anyone should stand against you, then you and your offspring could go all crazy on them and be layin' smack upside their heads. 17 Go, walk the length and breadth of a mudhole into the rear end of Lott, for I am laying odds upon you, three to one."
18 So Abram moved his hand quickly and withdrew the sword and did make quick work of Lott and his men, smiting them fiercely then smiting them a second time. And when, upon the heels of the second smiting, Lott did raise up his eyes and thumb his nose at Abram, then behold, Abram did smite him a third time. Whereupon, Abram sheathed the Sword of Divine Vengeance and went to live, for the summer season, near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he built an altar to the LORD.


Yeah. Something like that. More or less. Maybe I'll go light a candle.




15 comments:

dust bunny said...

I didn't know Eugene H. Peterson was your ghost writer name!!! Ghost writer---cemetery...hahaha..I made a joke!!
If only I could be as funny as Spookyrach.

annie said...

Gosh. I've been working out at Curves lately. My arms are still more jiggly than mighty, but my thigh and calf muscles are firming up nicely. Do you think maybe I am being prepared to do some holy ass-kickin'?

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

This is the BEST! the best religion that I have had in a long time!!

*But spare you the oxen and the bunnies and the dog.* Amen.

jonboy said...

I'm calling Joe Lively ...

Presbyterian Gal said...

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You are one righteous Bible translator.

*wipes tears*

Gonna be laughin' all day.

Quotidian Grace said...

What PG said.

I do love me a good Bible story with lots of smiting in it!

Anonymous said...

Me thinks you are full of a lott. C. Wright

esperanza said...

Oh, thank you. This text will make a much more interesting sermon than this boring Good Shepherd thing I've been working on this morning. I'll save that for another time. Lot and smiting--what could be better.

Presbyterian Gal said...

....Oh and now I have a song in my head to go with this....

*clears throat* *gargles Listerine*

..."when you're smiting....
..."when you're smiting....
..."the whole world smites with you...."

*snorts*

Reformed Catholic said...

That's not your father's KJV translation, thats for sure!

will smama said...

NICE!

Bunny Bunster said...

Yes, please, oh please, spare the bunnies and the dog!!

Lurveeee, you're translation so much better!!!! Way too funneh!

Janie said...

I love it! You always crack me up.

layin' smack.

heh.

Cynthia said...

Better than RLP and I am gonna tell him so right now...
hoo boy that was good. Snot and tears and belly hurt laughing.

So many people are missing some good stuff here. I may have to get me a sandwich board with

READ THE SKEWED VIEW...
the Scarlet Pimpernel Said So.

and walk about San Antonio prophesying the word of the Rach.

Jeff said...

Is that a statue of a woman in the background, or Lot's wife?