Saturday, December 15, 2007

Happy Friggin' Holidays

I learned something tonight. Something that I didn’t know about Jackson, even after 8 years of legally sanctioned co-habitation.

He wraps gifts just like my dad. And that drives me nuts.

I’m not much of a perfectionist when it comes to wrapping the Christmas presents, but I do have some standards.

1. The wrapping paper should not be used.
2. Items in gift bags should be concealed with tissue paper.
3. Gift bags should not be stapled or taped closed.
4. Designation of the giftee is generally not best accomplished by writing their initials

on the front of the bag in black ball point pen.

Jackson and my father do not seem to be burdened with any standards at all when it comes to gift wrapping. “Just cover it” is their motto.

Jackson claims I’m making fun of his madd skillz as a gift wrapper because I’m ticked off at myself for missing a chance to ogle my presents. We were both sitting on the bed, doing the wrapping and he claims to have wrapped several of my presents, right under my nose; even opening boxes to remove receipts right in front of me. I contend I was merely focused on the job at hand and concentrating on making the gifts that I wrapped look somewhat presentable, rather than constantly looking over his shoulder trying to see what he was doing.

He’s probably lying, anyway.

We don’t have any gifts under the tree. Zoe, the Toothy Wonder Dog, would be only too thrilled to critique our wrapping styles. Unfortunately, she has no thumbs, so she has to chew things in order to evaluate them. That presents a bit of a problem. So, we spread the tree skirt on the dining room table and piled up all the gifts in the middle. Jackson is whining about the non-traditionalism of this arrangement . I don’t really care and Evil Steve is thrilled. She’s excited about lounging on the tree skirt while remaining out of reach of Zoe, the Dog Who Wasn’t Supposed to be a Terrier.

Jackson says I should tell you that I’m just jealous because I am the only person in the immediate family who doesn’t get 2 weeks off for Christmas. I most certainly am not jealous, so I see no need to bore you with that. Can I help it that my glamour job doesn’t just stop for the 12 days of rampant consumerism and culinary over-indulgence? Bah.

My sister-in-law is an elementary school teacher and Jackson and Jonboy both work in the same mortuary of an office building at Fake Cow Ecumenical University. Somebody at the university did the math a few years ago and discovered it cost the school more money to heat and light the buildings for a skeleton crew of staff over the two week period than it would cost them if they just closed down completely. So now they get two weeks off, too. Bah.

Fortunately, Jackson promises to do lots of stuff like carpet cleaning and deck staining while he’s off work. That curbs my non-existent jealousy rather nicely.

That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway…


annie said...

Of course he's lying! You could not have been that involved in your gift wrapping not to have noticed. Either that, or he is giving you some fonky gift that you thought was going to his old Aunt Murbelle (the one who hugs you really tight and smells like "Evening in Paris" perfume)!

(My sympathies to you for not having two weeks off for Christmas. Darn those probationers and parolees who can't be trusted to behave themselves for two weeks while you enjoy some much deserved time off!)

Jackson said...

1. You are jealous of not being among those that receive a well deserved extended break for the holiday

2. If you would check those boxes (the only boxes wrapped in the shiny gold paper) you will see your name

3. In reference to the wrapping, it is not the packaging that counts, it is the contents. If someone gets upset at the appearance of the package, then they will get over it once they see what is inside that wad of paper and tape. And it was Black Sharpie not ball point pen.

Annie, I dont have a Aunt Murbelle but do have an Aunt Lou and she does not smell like evening in Paris but rather "Friday night at the Trailer Park"

Songbird said...

I like your attitude. Really.

Dijea said...

Of course Jackson is lying, it is just a part of the male make-up to do that. My husband is also a total wreck in the wrapping department. Sometimes I get two different kind of wrapping paper on a package because there was not enough to go around. He has also been known to just crunch the ends together like dough and then tape that to the end of the package. My father on the other hand can wrap a package so neat and tidy that it would make any woman at Michael's or Hobby Lobby cry. Precise corners the triangles on the end are exactly the same size, its discusting.

Quick question though, do you think he's really going to accomplish the carpet cleaning & deck staining while he's off? My husband "promises" that all the time and it never happens. He promised to fix the shower door and that was 2 months ago. I'm still having to rig it shut when I take a shower.

Presbyterian Gal said...

I KNEW it was black sharpie, I just knew it!!

My husband, when he finally does buy the presents (he is actually shopping right now and not waiting till Christmas Eve) he wraps them nicely. Although he will put clashing ribbons and bows on and did not start putting name tags on them until I threw a fit. Now he will put the TO name on but not the FROM.

This year I finally remembered to tell him: No Crabtree Evelyn. No furniture. And if he must buy me pajamas, I want men's flannel pajama pants because they have pockets and I require pockets. (Our house is full of these items I have received for the last 9 years. Though the furniture pieces are really pretty I must say).

Two weeks off is over rated anyway, I agree. You would just be home picking up after everybody and doing everything they would not do because you would be there. At least add that to the list of what you tell yourself. It's what I do.

Anonymous said...

My standards are even higher...NO gift bags please!!! They are the Grinch's way to terriorize Whoville!!! All gifts MUST be NEATLY (there I said it Jackson) wrapped with corners sharp, no tape showing (only takes 3 pieces to wrap the average gift, a nice bow & "frills" are a festive treat and the gift tag should say clearly who it is to and from. There ya go! Need lessons? Ha-ha!!! I've got Skewed gritting her teeth now!!! PDW

Purechristianithink said...

I'm gift-wrapping challenged, so can't really comment on that part of this post.

I feel your pain about not getting time off round Christmas, though. Yup, Pastors and Paroll Officers. No Christmas break for us.

annie said...

Jackson Your Aunt Murbelle Lou switched her perfume??

Miss Kitty said...

You're cracking me up! Suddenly I'm glad I don't have a tree this year. Gotta love how the critters react to it, though.

Jackson said...

Dang picky women and their presentation of proper wrapping. I contend it is what is inside that wad of paper and tape which counts. When all is said and done, it is the contents of the package that is kept and the wrapping ends up in a trash bag. A gift bag, roll of duct tape and a black sharpie and I am done. (Man Law 103)

PG: If the from is left off the gift, it s from Santa (Man Law 101). Plus if your husband would use color coordinated sharpies, you would not have the clashing problem (Man Law 102)

Rach: The mortuary of an office building has lightened up since my crew has began to office there. Just make certain to always lock your work station when you are away from your desk or you never know what wall-paper or screen saver will appear on your computer when you return...Aint that right Jonboy? The building just needed a dose of testosterone in the form of Jackson and JayMan

jonboy said...

Merry "Friggin'" Christmas you bitchy old woman ... and you call me crotchety.

You go Jackson!
Duct tape rules!
Just keep the naked, dancing Hank Hills off my wallpaper.

SpookyRach said...

Yes, but my grouchiness is merely a by-product of a nasty sinus infection couple with the months' long lack of reliable housekeepers.

Yours is some sort of congenital deficiency. And regardless of what your birth certificate says, you will always be way, way older than me.

Anonymous said...

I swear, my husband uses a whole roll of tape on one gift!!

And, so far the Devine Miss M has not disturbed the gifts under the tree. And one of those gifts are for her! (A squeaky squirrel) She has pulled off a roll of ribbon and a string of beads however.

Anonymous said...

Also, I get the week off between Christmas and New Year!!

Rev Kim said...

Jackson has already bought your Christmas presents and wrapped them? I'm jealous.

Presbyterian Gal said...

Sinus infection AND no reliable housekeepers?

Jackson: when wife is ill at holiday time without proper staff support and must work between holidays, husband is then required for acquire more giftage for wife. [Woman rule 174, subsection (a)] Said gift will be considered increased in appreciation value by 10 percent per square inch, when nicely wrapped by store. [Woman rule 174, subsction (z-2)]

Wyldth1ng said...

I think Jackson is in the right.


Jackson said...

Jonboy glad to see you join in on this.

Rach: One who does not seek out the service of a Doctor when they are ill to obtain medication which will help said person feel better, has no reason to complain.

Rev Kim: Thank you...see I am not all bad, I have purchased gifts in advanced all of which were purchased after careful consideration of the amount of satisfaction and pleasure said wife would obtain from the gifts before purchasing them.

PG: Man Law Chapter 43, Section A, Subsection 2, supercedes Woman Rule 174 Subsections a -Z13

Wyldth1ng: thank you

Jackson said...

By the way: Not only does Jonboy and I get 2-weeks off, we also get off at noon on Wednesday. hehe

Presbyterian Gal said...

But Jackson, Man Law Chapter 43, Section A, Subsection 2, may perhaps supercede Woman Rule 174 Subsections a-z/13, but you really don't want it to.

And Rachel, Jackson has a point. You should check in with the doc. Sinus infections need a visit from Auntie Biotic.

SpookyRach said...

PG: (insert dramatic sigh here) But my whole life is one big sinus infection. I'm tiiiiiired of going to the doctor about it. I contend I get over it just as slowly without medication than I do with it.


Jackson: what's for dinner?

jonboy said...

Man Law #1: Pay no head to Woman Rules because they change on a whim and in illogical manners.

Tauratinzwe said...

Good think you're not on my Christmas present list. You'd go crazy. I always use the Sunday comics as wrapping paper.