Thursday, July 27, 2006

Friday Cemetery Blogging

So, we went to a cemetery in Deaf Smith County. Isn't that a great name? Didn't even make it up. We were snarfing about for interesting gravestones and I saw this guy. He gave us some direction.


"Psst, look over there, dudes."

So we did. And we, quite literally, stumbled upon a most interesting find! Not many people know this, but Count Dracula was never really bested by Van Helsing or even those meddling kids from Mystery, Inc. History records that he hung around Transylvania for a few eons before a long series of bad investments and castle taxes caused him to have to moonlight as a hit man for the Mafia.

The mob eventually tired of the expense associated with running an operation like Dracula's castle. The property taxes were outrageous and the cost for the black mold clean-up was absolutely insane, so they began out-sourcing hits to the Asian syndicates. This miffed the Count and he turned mob informant, testifying before several closed-door sessions of Congress, some 15 years before Joe Valachi.

Unfortunately for the Count and his lovely 93rd wife, Helen, the federal Witness Protection Program was not yet fully funded. In addition, the U.S. government had a bit more of a grasp of moral irony back then and the powers that be felt a little iffy about loosing a centuries old vampire into Truman era America to be supported by tax dollars. After several weeks of debate, it was decided that there was really only one place that could become the American version of Soviet Siberia. The Count was banished to West Texas.

The feds set him up with a new identity, although Helen refused to change her first name, and they lived in quiet anonymity for several years. The count subsisted on coyotes and jackrabbits for the most part. Then in 1952 he got ahold of a rattlesnake, for the first and last time.

Helen stayed in Deaf Smith County following the Count's final demise and became active in the local WMU chapter at the Second Baptist Church. She was famous for her green jello salad, the kind with the little marshmallows, a staple at local funerals for 30 years.


15 comments:

Captainwow said...

BAAAAAAAAAA!! hawwww
my boys are sleeping so I can't laff out loud, but this cracked me up!! WAY to go direction dude. Glad he pointed this one out to you.
did you tell him about your blog?

don't eat alone said...

I think Dracula died because he had to change his name to Walter.

Peace
Milton

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

DUDE! I loved this! I have laughed my sides hurt!

Poor Helen having to live out here.

I wonder if they ever had kids and what their names would have been....hhhmmmmm.....

Cowtown Pattie said...

What a story! It's better than any ol' Paul Bunyan and a blue ox!

I must link at TT and send my readers to this jewel - only I am a tiny bit jealous of such a great story!

Makes me want to put on my cemetery spelunking gear...

annie said...

"Psst, look over there, dudes."

Did the guy actually say this out loud, or did you just hear him in your head?

You do have a knack for telling good stories!

Miss Kitty said...

Now THAT's a good one.

The Sacred Heart Jesus statue really tops it all off.

Headless-in-GR said...

So GREAT!

bill said...

What is the right way to pronounce the nam of that county (or the Texas hero its name after)? My high school Texas history teacher always pronounced it "deef" and I've been wondering ever since if that is correct. How do you pronounce it?

Trace said...

Too cool! It's good to "finally" know the ole' blood-sucker is free of the curse and in the grave! We'll all rest a little easier at night now. Great tale...I can't get enough of that "Cowtown Pattie's" storytelling either!

Greek Shadow said...

Dracula met his match with a rattlesnake -- good one.

The Limerick Savant said...

There's nothing like a good story you can really sink your teeth into. Loved it!

SpookyRach said...

Bill - we all pronounce it "deaf" as in 'cain't hear'. Course, a few old folks around here pronounce deaf "deef", so maybe that's what your teacher was doing.

Limerick - hee hee hee!

bill said...

Spooky:
I found several references to the effect that the county is correctly pronounced "deef" smith and not "deff" smith; including this citation from the NY Times.

Of course the people from there should know better than the ones at the NY Times>

SpookyRach said...

That's highly likely, Bill. You know how we tend to eschew correct pronunciation in favor of lazy pronunciation around here. Ha ha!

Pastor Christopher said...

i believe