I have not murdered anyone recently.
I also have not beaten anyone with a baseball bat, a tire iron or the grip end of a pistol.
Whole weeks have gone by without me tripping, choking or otherwise assaulting anyone I know. In fact, for the most part, I have totally refrained from all forms of violent behavior towards acquaintances and strangers alike.
I have not made any threatening phone calls.
I have, however, been threatening towards some people who called me. But that doesn't really count.
I have not run for office. Neither have I engaged in loan sharking, welfare fraud or prostitution.
I did run a red light. Mostly unintentionally.
I have not stalked anyone, not in person or on the internet. I have not smoked crack. Or meth. And I have not opened a new box of cereal without finishing the old box first.
I have not shoplifted or drawn flowers on my husband's tattoo while he slept. I haven't said the f-word all week. I have not set any fires except in places specifically dedicated for such purposes.
I did, however, designate the middle of my back yard as a place for burning things.
I have not, nor will I ever, drape any landmarks in miles of orange fabric.
I have not sung karaoke.