spooky’s self-righteousness checklist:

I have not murdered anyone recently. 

I also have not beaten anyone with a baseball bat, a tire iron or the grip end of a pistol.

Whole weeks have gone by without me tripping, choking or otherwise assaulting anyone I know. In fact, for the most part, I have totally refrained from all forms of violent behavior towards acquaintances and strangers alike.

I have not made any threatening phone calls.

I have, however, been threatening towards some people who called me. But that doesn't really count.

I have not run for office. Neither have I engaged in loan sharking, welfare fraud or prostitution.

I did run a red light. Mostly unintentionally.

I have not stalked anyone, not in person or on the internet. I have not smoked crack. Or meth. And I have not opened a new box of cereal without finishing the old box first.

I have not shoplifted or drawn flowers on my husband's tattoo while he slept. I haven't said the f-word all week. I have not set any fires except in places specifically dedicated for such purposes.

I did, however, designate the middle of my back yard as a place for burning things.

I have not, nor will I ever, drape any landmarks in miles of orange fabric.

I have not sung karaoke.