Wednesday, November 10, 2004

So, to make a short story long...

I had to buy a new bible. Mine broke. It didn't wear out (no object lesson there!) and I didn't need a different translation - it just broke. Right in the middle of Sunday School, it pretty much exploded. That may well be some sort of an object lesson, but it shan't be explored here today.

So. Being the good little secular, liberal, somewhat Gnostic Christian that I am, I went to Barnes and Noble to purchase a new tome de sacredness. While they had many bibles, nothing was really cool enough to justify the expense. I gave up, promptly set aside my oft espoused principles and proceeded to Mardell's - a place I had religiously avoided in the past. It is a way too scary right-wing Wal-Mart of a bible store in Lubbock. Ugh. Spit.

I had to trek through a plethora of Republican-inspired office decor items to get to the Wall-O'-Bibles. You know the type of stuff I mean - how many different eagles in flight can you fit into your cubicle? All of them replete with quotes about how God loves America. God may visit your backwater country on occasion - sort of a working vacation, perhaps - but everyone knows he lives in America, right? And if you live in America you need to be sure you wear your colors and have your eagles and maybe a yellow ribbon in plain view on anything and everything you own. After all, how will the Fuhrer know how deeply you support the Fatherland unless you display the correct insignia... oops. I digress. Anyway, I found a nifty little green and cream colored leather NIV bible that I thought was way worth the money. I was grudgingly happy.

After snagging my fairly cool bible, I decided to look for a particular C.S. Lewis book. I looked and I looked, but no C.S. Lewis. Ah-ha! This bore out my long-held belief that this was nothing more than a right-wing, goose-stepping, fundamentalist, censorship-loving sham of a bookstore - no C.S. Lewis here! Ha! I began to spout about this and rail against the closed-mindedness of it all until I walked past an entire row of Lord of the Rings books. Hmm...

Admittedly I was surprised by the fact that they sold Lord of the Rings at the right-wing store. We all know that C.S. Lewis and JRR Tolkien were big buddies and free thinkers and etc. etc., right? I began to lose a little steam and then one of the employees came along and showed us an entire section devoted to C.S. Lewis.

Well, crap. So maybe I was wrong. I began to feel a little closed-minded. Felt a little guilty about jumping to conclusions. Just a little.

But then, Jackson pointed out to me that no one we had spoken with so far had spoken to me. They directed all their comments to him - Mr. Appointed-by-God-Almighty-as-Head-of-the-Household. I was again righteously incensed. However, I must admit maybe they just thought I was nuts and they were trying to avoid direct eye contact with me.

Finally, I took my way cool bible purchase to the front, having decided against their cheap-ass version of Mere Christianity because it was sadly packaged in a ugly cover and a book like that just deserves better, (although this mass produced version was handily priced and affordable to practically everyone, regardless of social class - but I preferred to ignore that point and proceed with the leftist harping). The squeaky-clean, closely-shorn, checker-outter boy asked did I wish to have the bible engraved?

Ah-ha! Once again the greed-serpent of morality marketing had appeared! I am afraid my exact works were something along the lines of "Hell no - not unless you want to do it for free!" Yep. Thass what I said. Feelin' all self-righteous. Yessiree.

Checker-outter boy looked a bit frightened and said sheepishly that, well, yes it IS free and they could do it right then while I waited. My balloon burst, yet again. On my way over to the engraving counter, I broached the idea of having SpookyRach engraved on the bible, but had to agree with Jackson that at this point I would be risking hellfire if I did that. Nor for having that name put on my bible, you understand, but just for being a pain in the ass with nothing but my own generally mistaken assumptions backing me up. Damn.

Oh well. Most of 'em still wouldn't talk directly to me and I can be righteously pissed about that. A little. Maybe...

8 comments:

Janet said...

Perhaps you could wear a large playground whistle around your neck and go through the store blowing it. That helps people know you are in the protest mode.

bobbie said...

oh rach, this was hysterical - thank you i really needed that laugh! i think you should have got spookyrach in big bold letters right on the cover!

Rob said...

Oh, I love your post.

I'm a runner, but sometimes I help out at races at well. You get a t-shirt either way. I'm proud of those t-shirts. I earned them. I wear them a lot.

Yeah, I'm a candidate for "Extreme Makeover."

The poor clerk at the Family Christian Bookstore was staring at me and acting real strange. It was only after I got out of the store that I realized the poor man was freaking out over my "Run Like Hell" t-shirt.

Rob of UnSpace

Anonymous said...

2 things really stuck out about your posting today and the comments. #1 I know what gnostic means naner naner naner. And #2, I have no clue who rob. I just thought it was freaky that he mentioned the *run like hell* t-shirt about 30 minutes after I had just seen that t-shirt. And I SWEAR I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT SHIRT BEFORE!!

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

2 things really stuck out about your posting today and the comments. #1 I know what gnostic means naner naner naner. And #2, I have no clue who rob. I just thought it was freaky that he mentioned the *run like hell* t-shirt about 30 minutes after I had just seen that t-shirt. And I SWEAR I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT SHIRT BEFORE!!

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

And do not get the big head about getting way more comments then me. I hiccuped and added the anon one by mistake.

SpookyRach said...

Rob - loved the comment!

Princess Anonymous - I am just posting a reply so I can say I have an entry with seven comments!

Captainwow said...

another one...
great post!!! related to most of it- esp. the bubble bursting part. oh man. I hate those stores with a passion but hey...