Monday, August 28, 2006

Sacriligious: adjective; grossly irreverent toward the sacred

Mindy and I have a fairly good retirement program through the state, but if we plan to retire early, we will need to move into some kind of a second career. After watching religious broadcasting for lo these many years, we have decided that we are totally cut out to run our own church. Further research has convinced us that rather than pick a currently established McFaith, we should start our own religion. The following is a list of the tenets of our religion, to date:

The Church of the Firstborn of the Holy Flaming Fedora

Church leaders will wear robes and sometimes capes. Capes may be substituted for robes if desired. The idea is to wear something that flows out behind you in a Supermanish manner as you stride purposefully about the church. Or the library. Or Wal-Mart.

We shall revert back to the original plan for communion. No more crackers and grape juice. We’re gonna eat good – chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, hot rolls, salad and chocolate cake.

Fasting is not encouraged and may be ridiculed. If you feel the need to abstain from something, stop watching the news for a while.

No Name-It-and-Claim-It bullshit.

No magic miracle-cure bullshit. Fairy tale-type magic is considered highly desirable, but shall be plainly labeled as magic. Faith healing and seed giving shall be plainly labeled as excrement and will be scoffed. Vociferously.

Toenails must be painted as a gerneral rule, since most church members will be wearing bling-encrusted flip flops or sandals. Pedicures for all on Maundy Thursday.

The cast and crew of What Not to Wear are officially excommunicated and banned from communion.

No binding or constrictive undergarments.

Church service will be on Friday nights, right before suppertime, so as not to muck up a prime chunk of the weekend.

All church holidays will fall on Mondays.

OPI nail polish and comic books will be donated to the less fortunate on a regular basis.

We firmly eschew all record keeping in favor of frequent business meeting updates on the latest and greatest thrift store finds.

Edward Gorey is our patron saint.

The photo directory will be done by Glamour Shots. Costumes will be encouraged. Creepy corpse-like Olan Mills Family Photos will be banned.

Mindy will be allowed to sing choruses as long as spookyrach is allowed to make faces and armpit music during singing of same.

Members will be encouraged to carry swords. Wands may be substituted.

VBS is strictly outlawed. An Adults-Only Craft Night will be considered as a replacement. Childcare not provided.

Church leadership will have veto authority as regards any unruly children. If your child is deemed an annoyance, you must make alternate provisions for the future of its immortal soul and not bring the little snot-monkey within 200 yards of any church function. Please note: Your Little Entitlement Twits Do Not Impress Us.

No committees will be permitted. If something needs doing, do it. If no one does it, it wasn’t really that important anyway. Ask for help if you need it.

No mid-week service. If you can’t keep the faith for an entire week without a booster shot, then you’ve got more problems than can be cured by a Wednesday night service. If, however, y’all want to meet up at a good restaurant and eat dinner together sometime during the week, then that’s all good.

spookyrach will provide a weekly rant and rave session at each service. (We will have to recruit someone to perform actual meaningful teaching. Perhaps little david will apply.) Mindy will be in charge of the music, even though spookyrach is highly suspicious that this will make for a touchy-feely service. ~gives Mindy the evil eye~

All official church documents shall be produced with Sharpies. Scratch-outs permitted. No Smileys. No LOL.

The church will not have a marquee. The temptation to crumminess is often too great to resist. If thy sign offends thee, pluck it out.

Evangelistic revivals are allowed, but only during only during the week following the first freeze, when a plethora of otherwise unusable tomatoes are available. There will be a celebratory bar-be-que following the revival in any year in which the traveling evangelist and/or musician retires from active ministry following the CFHFF revival.

Church leadership will reference the book of Leviticus frequently. This allows the leadership to basically rewrite the book as suits their purpose, as long as it is used for good and not for evil. It’s not like anybody was reading that book anyway. For example: “And the anti-Christ shall rise in the East of the State, somewhere in the vicinity of Houston, and he shall be called Joel Osteen.” Lev. 21:13. Stuff like that.
As soon as we can secure a meeting place, we'll let you know. In the meantime, we'll be shopping for capes and wands. And maybe hats...


Linda said...

I think I might fit in with this group, except for the toenail business. If I promise to keep them neat and clean, can I forego the nail polish? I'm not a toenail-painting kinda gal.

spookyrach said...

Linda - no worries, we shan't shun you for your unpainted nails. We will, however, deny you ordination unless you conform to the polish rule.

*ducks and runs fast!*

Only kidding!!!

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

HHHMMM.....I am thinking that she can be in and we will forgo the polish if she has to furnish us with our polish!

~practicing with my wand~

Linda said...

Is clear polish acceptable then? I really want to wear a cape!

Unknown said...

Do you need a High Priest? Because if there are cool capes, we might be able to interest Pure Luck.

(By "High" I mean Tall.)

spookyrach said...

Linda - actually, clean and clipped will be just fine. What color cape do you want?

Songbird - Tell Pure Luck we've already filled the High Priestly-Type position, but we totally could use another tall, cape-wearing, sword-wielding comrade!

Jody Harrington said...

Oh, can I join? I would look fierce in a cape with a wand. Plus I can sing. AND I live close to the AntiChrist so's I can keep a close eye on him and report back to the High Priestly-type.

Miss Kitty said...

Praise the Lord and pass the buttermilk biscuits! I have found a new church home!!!

I'll be out to Texas as soon as I can pack up the cats and Myrtle Mae, and get my burgundy-velvet cape dry-cleaned. And my toenails are always painted--I wear open-toed sandals as long as the weather's warm enough, and I try to set a good example for my students as to pedicures and general foot care.

P M Prescott said...

Temptation to go back out to the windy dusty caprock. Sounds like a church worth visiting, could I be one of your evangelists? Would you allow Togas?

Headless-in-GR said...

Ok, for the last mont, I've been seriously trying to figure out if I have enough fashion power to bring back the cape this winter - I must belong here!

Yay for fairytale magic! Yay for painted toenails! Yay for capes!

(p.s. you should read GK Chesterton's chapter in Orthodoxy called "The Ethics of Elfland")

Sue said...

Sadly, I think I am too short for capes. If it were too long, it would look like my head was sitting on top of a large mushroom.

However, I do like the pedicure ritual for Maundy Thursday, so sure, sign me up too.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, I can't join. I don't do sandles or pedicures. But can I be a cheerleader or something. I really, really want a cape, and that no VBS and no committee thing is right up my alley.

Dang my stupid toes.

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

Togas? We totally forgot about togas! I would say...YES!

spookyrach said...

QG - you would TOTALLY be all fierce with a cape and a wand. (Although I think you should consider the sword, as well.)

I'm glad you are ready to pack it up and move, Miss Kitty! We promise not to sacrifice Myrtle Mae!

The toga is a really good idea! I bet it would work for you too Sue! ha ha!

As for PPB, we made an exception for Linda, we'll let you in too. 'Specially if you wear some cool Chuck Taylors.

(Headless: I have totally got to read Chesterton. You have convinced me my education is sorely lacking. Does it count if I just read Father Brown mysteries?)

Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

I agree with Rach. How can we have a church and not have ppb??

You have got to be in.

Karen Sapio said...

And instead of deacons we will have Freakins--as in Freakin' Gorgeous, Freakin Hot, Freakin Outrageous, Freakin' Intense--all meetings of the Board of Freakins will take place in an establishment where beer is available.

Miss Kitty said...

I just now got that Joel Osteen bit at the end. Brrrrr! It's cold in here!

spookyrach said...


(That is a freakin' awesome idea, PCIT!)

don't eat alone said...

This is my kind of church. I would like to apply for the job as Freakin' Chef. I may have been up here in New England a long time, but I know how to make a damn good chicken fried steak.

I have several pairs of Chucks, but what the hell -- I'll paint my toes if I have to.


Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

Oh are a good man!

Jody Harrington said...


I'll take that sword. Think I'm going to need it. Is it jewel-encrusted? With an ornate golden handle? Cool!!

Jules said...

Sign. Me. The. Hell. Up.

(We get to say stuff like "hell" don't we?)

Ps: You had me at "no VBS".

Beth said...

I JUST GOT MY TOENAILS PAINTED PROFESSIONALLY TODAY! Plus I said a bad word in a post last week.

Undoubtedly these are both signs (if signs are allowed) and I want to sign up, too. Can I bring my own light saber?

Yay for Sharpies, and good job finding that verse about Joel Osteen. I knew it was in there somewhere.

zorra said...

If we're having communion every week, I'm in. And anyone who whines or dithers about weight, carbs, or calories will be cast into outer darkness.

Maybe we can alternate Mindy's plum tart with the chocolate cake...

spookyrach said...

We sure as hell do say that, Cheese, but we are working to curb our occassional use of another anglo-saxon word that ain't fit for good company. sigh...

Beth - you rock on with the lightsaber! Between that and QG's jewel-encrusted sword, we should be in business!

Zorra - you are my kinda girl. Definitely weekly communion and if Milton cooks half as good as he writes, we're gonna be fat and happy!

don't eat alone said...

I've been thinking about our church a good bit today -- especially how I'd look in a cape -- which reminded me of Guy Clark's words:

Spread your arms and hold you breath
Always trust your cape


Pearl said...

I love this! I live in Connecticut, so I can't attend services in person. Can we have e-services for the far-flung of the faith?

little david said...

OK, look, I just got back from Australia, so I have not really been able to keep up. But if you need some kind of deep-thinking, wizardly teacher sort for this church, a guy who spouts off arcane vocabulary and gazes intently with one eyebrow raised, then I'm in--as long as I don't have to paint or even expose my toenails. Really, there are limits. I do like the sword idea, however. It's so handy at a banquet.

spookyrach said...

Pearl - e-services are definitely in! Although, I have a good friend living in conn. and maybe y'all could start a branch together... ha ha! (Now I sound like TD Jakes...)

David: That sounds totally cool. We'll let you wear the Gandolf costume and everything! (He never showed his toenails either.)

Wonder if Swiss Army makes swords??

Cyn Huddleston said...

I am applying for instant ordination in this church and will start the first mission here in San Antonio's outskirts. Of course I will have to have lots of training from the original church and I think we can discuss my including a rotating supper dessert menu. I do a 12 pound cheesecake and a mean Sacher torte and my baklava has people swooning already. Perhaps I am a mystic. Yeah, I am a mystic. You can do retreats here and we can use RLPs little place in the woods. I got keys. I am in if you will have me.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Saint Spookyrach, Patron Saint of Good Taste and Free Thinking! I wish to open a mission for your church here in Denver! Instead of passing the plate at Offeratory, we shall offer up ghetto-fab breakdancing moves unto the Infinite! Believe me, when you see me do the Worm, I'll have you shoutin' "Oh God!"

Also, as a displaced Southerner, i can whip up some awesome buttermilk biscuits for Communion. (Ask Miss Kitty how I rock the oven.)

May I also be allowed to wear my black vinyl pants and bustier to service? I'll find a vinyl cape, I swear!

spookyrach said...

A 12 pound cheesecake, Cynthia? You are now officially joining Mother Theresa on the fast track to sainthood.

Milehighpixie - Who could have communion without biscuits? Not me! If you do the vinyl cape thing, you gotta totally do the "Time Warp" too. Cool?

Baby Gator said...