1. Aimed a loud and abrasive lecture at the heater vent in my office. It went something like this: "You are a friggin' heater. You either heat or shut the hell off. Get it? If you don't have anything warm to say then shut yer ass off! Why do you continuously blow air, hour after hour, day after day, when you are not friggin' heating? My toes are numb. I can't type with blue fingers, and I have to wear my hair down all the time to try to keep my ears warm! It is damn well warmer outside than it is in this office. What the bloody blue hell is your problem?!!" Realized it was a Monday for others as well when this highly professional outburst was met only with faint applause from down the hall.
2. Absorbed the joys of the day through a steely filter of back pain. Decided the best possible remedy was a hot bath, steaming with an ungodly amount of milk bath. Got the water just right. Got the milk mixture dissolved and doin' its thing. Got ready to step in and discovered there is a full roll of toilet paper sitting terribly out of place on the edge of the tub. Discovered this as said roll was halfway through a glorious arcing dive into the bath water. Roll of paper sank into the milky water, which - thanks to milk - was the same color as the paper. Managed to fish out the roll and a huge hunk of melting paper. Climbed into the tub. Settled back. Started to realize why this toilet paper promises not to clog your septic system. Spent 10 minutes rolling tiny pieces of toilet paper off my skin and into a growing pile on the edge of the tub.
3. Finally gave up and started to step out of the tub. Was confronted with a lifesize reflection of self in mirrors that surround tub and wondered what sort of sick bastard designed this bathroom? The only other more tastelessly placed mirror I've ever been victimized by was a full length mirror on the inside of a bathroom stall door at a gas station in Tucumcari, New Mexico. Found a couple more pieces of toilet paper, stuck to self, thanks to mirror.
4. Put on comfy sweats and settled down to watch Mystery Monday on BBC America. Tomorrow is not Monday.
4 comments:
**No toilet paper was actually harmed in the filming of this infomercial**
2 days later and still no better....tell them about the drunken chiropractor!!
**No toilet tissue was actually harmed in the making of this informercial**
Tell them about the *appointment* with the drunken chiropractor!!
Oh my gosh! I nearly peed my pants!!!!!!!
BAWWWHAHWHWHAWHWHAWAAAAAAA!!!!way too funny!
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